The Part of Me I Find Harder to Like

Thursday 23rd May

On Monday or maybe it was Sunday, an unwanted emotional pain returned (side by side with the physical pain of my second dental surgery)- a deep sadness and discomfort simply at being me. I went to bed early but couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned and thought of all the good in my life just so I could feel the guilt of being such a horrible person, who despite all the joy and love surrounding them could still feel this way.

I let thoughts in of what a joke I was to be talking about following your dreams and How to Stop Treating Yourself Like Sh*t (currently the book title - do you like it?). Who was I anyway to write a book about self-compassion when feeling like this? Not only a joke, a fraud too.

This version of me I find harder to like but now know it's the part that needs the most kindness and self-compassion.

The next day I muddled through, simple tasks felt monumental, my husband told me “You’ve been here before, it passes be kind to yourself” I couldn’t even reply.

I wanted to give up not just on the book, but on life too. That's how intense it felt.

But, on Tuesday as I sat waiting in the car while my beautiful daughter was at rehearsals I forced myself to watch a webinar about being a writer & getting a publishing deal.

Because sometimes being a friend to yourself is bubble baths and face masks, sometimes it’s smiling at your reflection and getting fresh air but I think most important is the unconditional love friend holding out a hand to the version of you that isn’t always so easy to like and saying hold on, I will keep on lifting you up even when you want to stay on the ground.

And although I can’t wave a magic wand to make life pain-free and perfect (would we even want that?) I hope that by sharing how I work on my relationship with myself it will inspire others to do the same.

Because out of all the love we have in our lives it’s the love we have for ourselves that will get us through anything and open the door to more joy.

BIG LOVE 🧡

P.S. Still feeling fragile but not only did I watch the webinar I booked a session with the most amazing literary coach in the world, the inner cheerleader friend in me won’t let me stop taking the action that makes a dream a reality.

In my experience I’ve found times like this often seem to be triggered by our subconscious being afraid we are just about to make a great & positive leap forward out of our comfort zone - it doesn’t make it any less sh*t when we’re in it but it’s useful to know! Our beautiful subconscious just wants to keep us safe in familiar territory even if safe and familiar is rubbish and this is definitely what was going on with me this week and I'll share more on that and the breakthroughs and "Aha's" I've had tomorrow.